the girl called stupid

artist: Lee Me Kyeoung

 

After I was born, my parents had left me to be raised by my grandmother.  One of my father’s older brothers also lived in that same home, along with his family, which consisted of his wife and 4 kids (a daughter, 2 sons, and another daughter).  His wife had died from a gas leak within the home when the kids were in their teenage years.

After my aunt had died, it was her 2 daughters, who had ended up being tiredly tasked to be the new homemakers (cooks, cleaners, etc) from then on.

My uncle was an alcoholic and would often take me along with him to the bars that he went to.  While at the bar table, I’d sip the liquor and eat the drinking snacks, right along with him.

That was the beginning of when all of my family members had come to realize that I would follow anyone at all who’d give me something to eat.  Mister Stranger, you’ve got candy to give to me?  Sure, I’ll follow you wherever you want.

The home had a bathroom for showering, but didn’t have a running toilet.  The toilet was an outhouse, located next to the front entrance.  Surprisingly, it didn’t stink as much as I’d imagine it would, when one walked in through the entrance.  Maybe because the area between the entrance and the home’s actual front door was open-air and without an overhead covering.

The toilet inside of the outhouse was a hole in the ground.  Looking at it while standing up, it just appeared to be a black hole.  But when a flashlight was beamed down into there, all of the sewage gunk would be visible, with a humongous amount of flies and crawling maggots.

Thankfully, all of the insects were too far down to be whirling around the person utilizing the outhouse.  The sewage from all of the homes in the neighborhood were used as fertilizer by being flowed towards the rice field paddies that were located way down yonder.

I have no memory of my childhood with my grandmother and my uncle’s family members.  There are pictures of me with the kids and my aunt during some winter seasons.  But none of those persons are in my memory.  Not even my drinking fests with my uncle.

~

When I was 3 years old, the parents had figured that it was time to bring me back from my grandmother’s home.  It was my Dad who had come for me.  He said that when he had walked into the home, I had turned to my grandmother, and had asked her, “Who’s that man?”

Now, I was living with my parents and my 1-year younger sister.  From Day 1 and from that day on, I had pissed off my parents.  My first unacceptable crime was for not having been potty-trained.  I urinated and pooped all over the place.  I did so on the bed, couch, floor, everywhere.  When I did so, they just couldn’t believe it.

The reason was because my 1-year younger sister was already utilizing their regular adult-sized toilet ever since she was not yet 2 years old.  They had not even potty trained her, but she had learned to use the bathroom toilet all by herself (falling in the toilet only once).

But here I was, urinating and pooping all over the home, like a new pet animal.  Needless to say, my Dad had spanked me, again and again.  But I didn’t learn to not continue.  So I had gotten spanked even more.  Eventually, I had somehow finally learned to use the toilet.

But my ignorance of being dumber than my 1-year younger sister had continued.  For my entire life.

Because I had gotten spanked so much by my Dad, I always had a very sad face in all of the pictures of my childhood years.  If ever I walked around the home and my Dad was there, then I’d slowly move away, trying to steer clear away from him, because I knew he’d have a reason to spank me again.

Although spanking definitely does not help a child “to learn to do different or better”, I can today understand my Dad’s past frustrations with me.  Because it had always taken a lot for me to ever learn to do anything.  At all.  Even now.

For this reason, I so admire people who can confidently say about themselves, “I like to learn new things.”

I myself do not like to learn new things.  Or anything at all.  To put it plainly, for me, learning sucks.  Knowledge is power?  Ha.  Because for me, it is my biggest weakness.

 

{to be continued}

 

 

 

 

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21 thoughts on “the girl called stupid

  1. M so proud of you that you came out of all that shit!! It takes guts my dear..!! You survived !! Be proud of yourself for not giving up !!
    Take care love 💜

  2. I hated my father with a vengeance. And as time went by (50yrs) I finally saw that he was only being what he was taught by his father…AND…if he hadn’t been as he was, I would never had been through what I needed to finally see that it was only my fears holding me back, that fear of rejection from him which I took into all my relationships. And because of what I endured all those years, I finally saw that it was only me holding on tightly to something that was only ingrained from the very immature mind of a child and the way I blocked it by building an emotional wall to all that pain of rejection.
    When I finally understood it and saw it for what it was, the relief, emotional opening and appreciation for what I had endured those many years set me free. Those fears are our burdens, but in enduring them they finally show us we had in fact not loved ourselves by hanging onto the belief of what those fears held. To finally see that we are lovable, are very beautiful inside and are very much perfect in who we are, warts and all, is an incredible love indeed.
    May you see that beauty within, regardless of the journey. For without it we would never understand the conditions of those fears, find that belief in us, that love for us, that wonder that is our creation to find that unconditional love that we are 💜

shoot yo holla hea

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