the stain

Just within this past week’s local news, either a current court case is ongoing, or there was another new report of a similar occurrence.  This time, it was a 7-year old and two 10-year olds who had been sexually assaulted and raped.

The number of reports is noticeably growing more frequently within the past few years.  I believe that sexual crimes against children may have been occurring much more back in the past, though.

Because statistics can never know how often these cases from decades ago had occurred, because many of those children had never told another soul about their assaults, molestations, and rapes.

I know this, because I had been one of them.

 

Sexually assaulted and molested, can’t count how many times.  By different men, known and unknown.

Sexually abused, for about a year.  Maybe over a year.  I don’t remember, because I had been under 12 years old.

 

As I’ve often said, I have a crappy memory.  I usually say it in a humorous manner, but it is such a thing that I wish so much was not the case.

Because having a good memory is priceless.  It’s absolutely necessary in life.

To be able to survive, you need to recall the know-hows.  If recalling important information is often a struggle, especially in regards to one’s occupation, then that person pretty much sucks in just about everything.

I believe that my poor memory may be due to 2 possible reasons:

(1)  Because I had needed to constantly shut out those past moments, minutes, and occurrences from my head.

(2)  Because of my father’s punching and slapping my head for many years of my life – until I was finally able to defend myself, and had fought back.

 

How strange it is that I can easily share about this part of my life to others.  To strangers.

But I will never tell the family.

Years ago, one of my past co-workers whom I had decided to share about this with (to give an example of how God has given me victory in my life), had said to me in big surprise, “Why didn’t you tell your family?!  I don’t understand why you didn’t tell your family!”

My reason is simple:  Because nothing will happen.

What is the point of there being this thick, deafening silence after I have told them?  And knowing them, I would most likely be asked what I had said or done, or how I had acted, that such occurrences had happened to me.

Therefore, I will continue to keep this secret from them.  Because telling them will accomplish nothing.  And will only become wasted words upon my wasted life.

 

A few years ago, I had seen on the TV news, grown men who had stood up to speak, and who could not hold back their tears as they spoke.  They had all revealed about how their lives had been changed when they were young because they had been sexually abused, molested, or raped by a Catholic priest.

They were in their elementary school years then.  Now, they were in their 40s to 60s.

As I watched my television set, I thought, I hear ya.  I know exactly how you feel, buddy.  I know exactly how you feel…  

In my area, there are now over 200 cases of child sexual abuse by Catholic priests (and school teachers) in court.  The Catholic church has filed for bankruptcy.

 

Years ago, I went to a home Bible study with a friend.  One of the women there had talked on for quite a bit.  Pretty soon, it seemed like she was saying to the rest of the folks present there, that she had gone through a much harder life than we all did.

(It felt like hearing people who’d say, “My parents didn’t have much money when I was young…”, somehow assuming that everyone else around them had all grown up rich.)

Then she told us about how she had been sexually abused when she was a child.  That’s when I had said, “So have I”.

Later that evening, she asked me who it was who had sexually abused me.  I answered her that the person was my father’s friend.  To which she said, “Mine was worse.  Because my abuser was my uncle.  At least yours wasn’t part of your family.”

Besides having a bad memory, I don’t know much about anything either.  But I do know this:  I do not believe that if the man who had sexually abused me for about a whole year had been a family member, it would not have made those occurrences much worse or better.

Unwanted sexual actions are just that: unwanted.  We are in fear, shame, and anger, as the seconds tick by.

Except for one, the molestors and I will most likely never see each other again.  And my sexual abuser is now most likely dead.

But their disgusting actions and control over me then, will always remain with me, like a permanent stain.

 

 

 

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19 thoughts on “the stain

  1. Judy Eun Kyung Kim

    I’m sorry you went through this, I agree that it doesn’t make the pain or abuse less because the abuser wasn’t family. Abuse is abuse and making comparisons was ignorant of the Bible study woman. You have survived for a reason, I wish you a peaceful life.

    Reply
  2. Bruce

    I can’t imagine what you have endured but I can see and feel the consequences you live with. The woman who said her assault was worse suffered from a limited perspective and that is unfortunate but she is not alone. Many people have limited perspectives and carry baggage and all of it, in all of its various stains, serves to diminish the heart and soul of the individual who has suffered in it. We are never what was done to us but we can and often do carry the burden. I know very little about you but I do see that your hope is in Jesus. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can separate or come between you and God’s love for you and the love that He has for you far surpasses any stain you have endured or carry. I know that can be difficult to believe at times but it is a truth. The Apostle Paul also had stains, only his stains were the actions that he was responsible for, what he had done versus what had been done to him. The reason I bring the Apostle Paul into this note to you is two fold. One – we all have a choice to make, just like Paul, we can focus on the past or we can look to today and the future, that is exactly what he chose to do. In Philippians 3:13-14 NIV he writes “Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Two – if you have given your heart to Jesus, and your trust and faith is in Him, then you are a new creature, Paul tells us this and he should know. He writes in 2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”. That’s you he’s talking about, and me. I know it’s not easy to forget what has happened in the past, I don’t think we ever forget, but what we focus on and who we focus on does make a tremendous difference. Spend as much time as you can afford in His Word and give Him as much time as you can manage in prayer, conversation with Him, where you give it all to Him, every detail, every hurt, every shame and allow Him to heal you. He will. And His love for you and your’s for Him will be your new reality, this is a fact and I speak from experience. It takes time, consistent and dedicated time but it is so worth it. Grace and blessings my sister.

    Reply
  3. Tina Siuagan

    It is so brave of you to share all these. I feel honored because of the trust you had given in all of us given the fact that almost all of us are third parties here.

    I am happy that you chose to live and move on with your life. You are an inspiration. May God bless you more in the years to come!

    Reply
  4. Cathy Cade

    I can’t speak from experience so my opinion may be flawed, but when someone believes their experience must be worse than anyone else’s to give validity to their survival, it seems to me that they are not surviving well.

    Reply
  5. theceaselessreaderwrites

    During my career as a probation officer, I spent 4 years as part of the sex offender unit. The public would be shocked if they knew how commonl sexual assault cases are and outraged if they knew how many go unreported, unprosecuted, or too-lightly sentenced. In the criminal justice industry, sexual assault by a family member or close family friend is actually considered a slightly less harmful or traumatic offense that those committed by complete strangers. I am surprised the other victim uttered such an insensitive statement.

    Remember that the stain is not yours, it’s your offender’s.

    Reply
  6. Barbara Grace Lake

    I cannot “like” this story. It so enrages me. Since you have already weighed your options and have decided on the best one, that of continuing your life and making it a good one, I will not offer advice. What I will do is offer support when and if you need it, a shoulder to cry on, a friend who will listen to you. I can be reached at bglake70@yahoo.com.

    Reply
  7. mylilplace

    It makes me so sad and mad to hear stories like these…It takes so much courage for you to share your story and I am so glad that you did. It is a step towards healing, I hope…and I hope that you know that you are not responsible for what happened to you. Victims often feel that they are at fault and are blamed for not speaking up. It’s not an easy thing to talk about… Lots of hugs for you, dear.

    Reply
  8. bubbleeffectblogger

    God bless you and heal you. I’m so sorry you suffered this. I went to a retreat in Maine years ago and met with a dozen women who all had experienced sexual abuse. It didn’t make me feel better that others also went through that hell. But it made me aware that life is painful for so many. I pray that God’s healing arms hold you tight and His peace fills you. And most of all that God’s love permeates and replaces every pain. Time gets lost when life hurts that much. Jesus loves you.

    Reply
  9. murisopsis

    Your life is NOT wasted! Abusers (no matter who or how they are connected to our lives) will pay for their sins – either in this life or the next. God is just and righteous (vengeance is His). Your ability to live in the present proves you are a survivor. The difference between a survivor and a victim is that victims try to rewrite the past and survivors acknowledge the past but live looking forward knowing the past cannot be changed. In that way victims continue to be held in the abuser’s grip. Survivors have broken free. I sense that although you have scars, you have made a life for yourself and now you have found your voice!

    Reply
  10. buddy71

    yes, i feel you are correct about the memory. i feel humans block terrible events as a safety mechanism for survival and self protection
    you are brave and strong for sharing.
    i am sorry this happened to you.
    it is a sad state of humanity for things like this to happen.

    Reply
  11. ourlittleredhouseblog

    So sorry this happened. You are healing now, just writing it here and sharing it will help you heal but those scars will always stay. You are right about it all being bad, whether it was a family member or not. Abuse is Abuse… it is all horrible. I read that for every child abuse case reported there are two that go unreported. Those cases grow up and that abuse stays with them, it is an ugly secret to protect and hold in. To be able to get out and share it with the world without hurting yourself further by telling family members who are not strong enough to accept the truths, will help that hurt little girl in you. She never had a chance to speak her truth and now you are the hero for having the courage to speak for her. Stay strong, keep writing and you will keep healing. Love how your posts make me laugh, think and feel like I am right there having a conversation about your life…keep doing that. And even though abuse victims are all grown up now, there are still lots of hurt little girls and boys inside them, that need to read your words. Have a beautiful weekend.

    Reply
  12. Michelle

    I’m sorry you’ve had to go through such horrible pain. Sometimes it’s easy to tell strangers things than it is family. I feel that way most of the time. My family judges too much and looks down on me like things are my fault.

    Reply
  13. ekurie

    Thank God you speak about this horror. That is the most important step to healing. I cannot believe that woman said what she did. As you said, it does not matter WHO it is. Bravo, sister.

    Reply
  14. bcparkison

    I am so sorry. This is somethig I just don’t understand and now some evil people are wanting to make this legal. Our children are in danger Lord….Please come .

    Reply
  15. Dawn Ivey

    Sorry you have gone through and still going through this pain. Praying God will give you healing and peace. It’s not fair people get to do this to innocent kids. Stay strong! ❤️

    Reply
  16. PePa. The Sketches of Life

    Amazing you spoke about it..That mind block can be good at times but this letting it out bit is amazing.May you find peace with time…Not a beautiful thing.Doesn’t matter who did it to you.
    PEACE BE WITH YOU.

    Reply

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