An entire year of hardship had come upon me some years ago. It is still for me “My Worst Year Ever”.
Legal issues, family issues, financial issues…you name it. They were all on top of me, coming at me from all sides. I was filled with anger, rage, and frustration.
Remember Habakkuk in the Bible? How he had asked God all kinds of “Why Questions” that he had, in order to ask God why life was so unfair for him in so many ways? Then how he would go up a mountain to wait for God to answer his questions?
Towards the end of that tough year (having no idea that there would finally be an end for one of them), there was a cliff that I’d go to whenever I needed to cry out to God. It was to that cliff that I had headed to once again one night.
I never saw another soul whenever I’d go up to there. All was always quiet and still. Only the sound of the crashing ocean waves far, far below was loud there. Other than that, the crunching of the dead leaves below my feet, as I made my trek up that mountain, was the only sound around for quite some distance.
It was always dark. But that night, it was even darker because it was also raining. As I hiked up the muddy and slippery trail, the thunder began to crackle above me.
I sat down on my usual spot, where there was now, a puddle. The tears and rain, together rolled down my face.
The lights coming from the buildings and homes in the far distance aggravated me even more. Folks who had joy and safety and peace, I imagined were living within each of those flickering window lights. And here I was, with none of those.
I looked down at my hands and prayed to God all of my own Why Questions. Why, God? Why?
Through the rain, thunder, and crashing wave sounds below, my ears ached to hear for something. But there was only silence.
That night, God knew why I was there. I had been determined that I could no longer go on anymore. “No more!”, I had cried out. And so, I was going to try to leave this earth – again.
But God foreknew my plan. And He had sent a person.
As I had mentioned earlier, I had never come across another soul there, whenever I’d go to that cliff to go cry out to God. But that night, there had been another person there for the first time ever.
As soon as I had gotten out of my parked car, to start walking into the dark woods, another person came out from the other side, and stood underneath the single street light where I was. She asked me if I was okay, and I mumbled “yes”. Then I hurried into the woods, to be covered by its darkness. Argh, a witness! She might call for help before I could be gone properly!
And so, instead of my attempting to leave this earth again that night, I had remained.
And another Resurrection Easter has come. It is during this time, that God reminds me that He had given for me His life, in order to give me new life and strength to endure this life still.