the perfect amount of grace

 

After this life on earth

Oh, how much I do yearn

To finally become the woman that I have always dreamed to be

A woman with confidence

And with genuine concern for others

 

But all I can see is my woes

All I can ever think about is of my many failures

Why are there so many?

Oh, how I long to no longer be thoughtless and ignorant!

Oh, how I long to no longer be angry and bitter!

 

Like Jonah, I have pleaded for You to allow for me to leave

“Take me now, Lord!  Take me now…”

But still, I remain

 

Like Solomon had said, “All is vanity…”

For years, all I had was cheap, glittering costume jewelry

Pennies I had picked up, collected, and hoarded

And like those stepped-on and runned-over pennies, I too, have become battered, dirty, and rusty

 

Your Word says that You will ask me what I have done with this life that You have given to me, Lord

I cannot answer You, Lord

I cannot answer

For I have gained and produced nothing

I too, may say to You as well, “Look at my seashells, Lord.  Look at my collected and worthless seashells…”

 

Daily, I am enraged

Daily, I accumulate more bitter moments

Can there ever be relief from these many overflowing and unforgettable memories of hatred and failures?

 

Thank You, Lord, for having been with me, when she had said it

Again, the mother had told me that I should just go kill myself

It’s been awhile since she had last said that to me, hasn’t it, Lord?

How perfect that it had been days before Mother’s Day

And just days before my birthday

 

I know that You’ve said we can never have peace on this earth, Lord

I know it full well

So I plead and pray to You, Lord

For just the perfect amount of grace that You know I need

For each day

For each angry and bitter day

 

Thank You for the new colors of butterflies, Lord

Thank You for the flowers that have grown

Thank You for helping me to endure this day, Lord

Thank You for helping me to stay alive

For another birthday

 

“Just kill me now, Lord! I’d rather be dead…”

The Lord replied, “Is it right for you to be angry about this?”

 

~ Jonah 4:3-4

 

 

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8 thoughts on “the perfect amount of grace

  1. ourlittleredhouseblog

    So beautiful, Ekuries comment up above is right…God still has beautiful plans for you and he is always near you because he shows you signs everyday, those little gifts that tell you, you are loved…the butterflies, the flowers, the smiles from a stranger. Great post, thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  2. mylilplace

    What a moving post, Sandmoos. I can sense much strength in your prayer and heart and I applaud your gratitude for the beauty we witness in our lives, despite all the hardships you have endured.

    Reply
  3. Taruna

    The light shines in your life… it’s evident in what you share… follow it a little more each day and you’ll see you have done exactly what you were meant to do on Earth. And that is walk with and remember your Lord each day.
    🙏♥️🙏

    Reply
  4. Dawn Ivey

    I enjoyed reading your prayer, just because it’s so honest like all your posts. Praying for God’s continued provision for your life. 💕

    Reply
  5. Irene

    Lovely shot and a lovely, heartfelt post. You are not alone in some special days bringing out thoughts/memories of the past. Praying for peace for you this weekend. ❤️

    Reply

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